Lie #1: "You're really blooming."
Translation: "You're actually ballooning. Like a huge blimp. Euww."
Lie #2: "No, no, you cry if you need too. Pregnancy hormones, hey? Quite normal, I'm sure."
Translation: "You're a total nutter. Unhinged and insane. How soon can I make my excuses and leave, never to return?"
Lie #3: "Of course you look sexy. I love your pregnant shape, darling."
Translation: "Actually, your new gigantic boobs are kind of fun but your inflatable bum is a bit of a turn-off. But if I told you the truth you'd probably kill me and use your crazy pregnancy hormones as a defence."
Lie #4: "Oh, you're just three months pregnant? Gosh, you must have a big baby in there!"
Translation: "Who's been eating all the pies then? You're only eating for two, you're not Octomom. Take it down a notch, piggie-chops."
Lie #5 (to first time mothers): "Labour? Oh, it was a breeze. In fact, it was a intensely moving and spiritual experience. I would do it again in a heartbeat."
Translation: "I had an elective c-section at a private hospital with all the drugs they could throw at me. The room service was to die for and my doctor was a hottie. It was the best holiday I've ever had."
Lie #6: "I read this great article the other day about the stuff celebs have done while they're having their elective c-sections: tummy tucks, boob lifts, lipo, the works!"
Translation: "Take a hint, fatty."
Lie #7: "I love breast feeding. I plan on doing it at least until Tarquin is out of nappies. It's such a wonderful bonding experience between mother and child. Plus the nutritional value cannot be underestimated."
Translation: "My nipples feel like they've been in a blender and I've practically got bedsores from sitting on my arse feeding Junior all day and all night. Is one week old too soon for weaning?"
Lie #8: "All my children slept through the night from one week old. You have to put them in a routine straight away or you'll regret it. None of this feeding on demand nonsense."
Translation: "My husband won't spring for a night nurse and I'll be damned if I'm going to spend the first three months looking like a haggard wreck. I've got my reputation to uphold!"
Lie #9: "Having children was the best thing we ever did. It's really brought us closer as a couple."
Translation: "My divorce lawyer is on speed dial. I just need to sit out the recession if I'm going to get any kind of decent pay-off. Boarding school and holidays in St Barths don't come cheap, y'know."
Lie #10: "I love being at home with the kids all day. It's so much fun..."
Translation: "...when they're asleep. I need some down time in the middle of the day to recover from the endless tantrums/ pooey nappies/ demands for chocolate/ idiotic kiddie TV on an endless loop. The day Diddums drops his afternoon nap is the day I spam my CV out to everyone on my email contacts list."
Translation: "You're actually ballooning. Like a huge blimp. Euww."
Lie #2: "No, no, you cry if you need too. Pregnancy hormones, hey? Quite normal, I'm sure."
Translation: "You're a total nutter. Unhinged and insane. How soon can I make my excuses and leave, never to return?"
Lie #3: "Of course you look sexy. I love your pregnant shape, darling."
Translation: "Actually, your new gigantic boobs are kind of fun but your inflatable bum is a bit of a turn-off. But if I told you the truth you'd probably kill me and use your crazy pregnancy hormones as a defence."
Lie #4: "Oh, you're just three months pregnant? Gosh, you must have a big baby in there!"
Translation: "Who's been eating all the pies then? You're only eating for two, you're not Octomom. Take it down a notch, piggie-chops."
Lie #5 (to first time mothers): "Labour? Oh, it was a breeze. In fact, it was a intensely moving and spiritual experience. I would do it again in a heartbeat."
Translation: "I had an elective c-section at a private hospital with all the drugs they could throw at me. The room service was to die for and my doctor was a hottie. It was the best holiday I've ever had."
Lie #6: "I read this great article the other day about the stuff celebs have done while they're having their elective c-sections: tummy tucks, boob lifts, lipo, the works!"
Translation: "Take a hint, fatty."
Lie #7: "I love breast feeding. I plan on doing it at least until Tarquin is out of nappies. It's such a wonderful bonding experience between mother and child. Plus the nutritional value cannot be underestimated."
Translation: "My nipples feel like they've been in a blender and I've practically got bedsores from sitting on my arse feeding Junior all day and all night. Is one week old too soon for weaning?"
Lie #8: "All my children slept through the night from one week old. You have to put them in a routine straight away or you'll regret it. None of this feeding on demand nonsense."
Translation: "My husband won't spring for a night nurse and I'll be damned if I'm going to spend the first three months looking like a haggard wreck. I've got my reputation to uphold!"
Lie #9: "Having children was the best thing we ever did. It's really brought us closer as a couple."
Translation: "My divorce lawyer is on speed dial. I just need to sit out the recession if I'm going to get any kind of decent pay-off. Boarding school and holidays in St Barths don't come cheap, y'know."
Lie #10: "I love being at home with the kids all day. It's so much fun..."
Translation: "...when they're asleep. I need some down time in the middle of the day to recover from the endless tantrums/ pooey nappies/ demands for chocolate/ idiotic kiddie TV on an endless loop. The day Diddums drops his afternoon nap is the day I spam my CV out to everyone on my email contacts list."
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CJ xx