Sunday, January 10, 2010

Pregnancy lies 101: what every expectant mum should know

Lie #1: "You're really blooming." 
Translation: "You're actually ballooning. Like a huge blimp. Euww."

Lie #2: "No, no, you cry if you need too. Pregnancy hormones, hey? Quite normal, I'm sure." 
Translation: "You're a total nutter. Unhinged and insane. How soon can I make my excuses and leave, never to return?"

Lie #3: "Of course you look sexy. I love your pregnant shape, darling."
Translation: "Actually, your new gigantic boobs are kind of fun but your inflatable bum is a bit of a turn-off. But if I told you the truth you'd probably kill me and use your crazy pregnancy hormones as a defence."

Lie #4: "Oh, you're just three months pregnant? Gosh, you must have a big baby in there!"
Translation: "Who's been eating all the pies then? You're only eating for two, you're not Octomom. Take it down a notch, piggie-chops."

Lie #5 (to first time mothers): "Labour? Oh, it was a breeze. In fact, it was a intensely moving and spiritual experience. I would do it again in a heartbeat."
Translation: "I had an elective c-section at a private hospital with all the drugs they could throw at me. The room service was to die for and my doctor was a hottie. It was the best holiday I've ever had."

Lie #6: "I read this great article the other day about the stuff celebs have done while they're having their elective c-sections: tummy tucks, boob lifts, lipo, the works!"
Translation: "Take a hint, fatty."

Lie #7: "I love breast feeding. I plan on doing it at least until Tarquin is out of nappies. It's such a wonderful bonding experience between mother and child. Plus the nutritional value cannot be underestimated."
Translation: "My nipples feel like they've been in a blender and I've practically got bedsores from sitting on my arse feeding Junior all day and all night. Is one week old too soon for weaning?"

Lie #8: "All my children slept through the night from one week old. You have to put them in a routine straight away or you'll regret it. None of this feeding on demand nonsense."
Translation: "My husband won't spring for a night nurse and I'll be damned if I'm going to spend the first three months looking like a haggard wreck. I've got my reputation to uphold!"

Lie #9: "Having children was the best thing we ever did. It's really brought us closer as a couple."
Translation: "My divorce lawyer is on speed dial. I just need to sit out the recession if I'm going to get any kind of decent pay-off. Boarding school and holidays in St Barths don't come cheap, y'know."

Lie #10: "I love being at home with the kids all day. It's so much fun..."
Translation: "...when they're asleep. I need some down time in the middle of the day to recover from the endless tantrums/ pooey nappies/ demands for chocolate/ idiotic kiddie TV on an endless loop. The day Diddums drops his afternoon nap is the day I spam my CV out to everyone on my email contacts list."


Anonymous said...

Phew! The truth at last! And they don't tell you that Junior becomes Senior and still wants room service for self and friends! And the friends! Phew again! I could never understand why hotty guys ended up with ugly old mares. Imprinting! Those first few weeks of constant bawling brings haggard old big floppy tits running with food on demand - love at first sight. Never leaves them. That is why your gorgeous son ends up with a motherly smotherly ugly bird - it is just you at your worst! Why bother!

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Very amusing, loved it. You make some excellent points, especially about the labour, in fact it's all great. Thanks for a good laugh.

CJ xx

sarah said...

hilarious! love it!

YLM said...

Thanks y'all. Sure there's a whole gamut of fun still to be had (haven't even got to the stretch mark and walking like I've pooped my pants stage yet) so hurrah. There's plenty more humiliation still to be heaped on my particular plate, I'm certain of it. Keep on readin'!