mothers on the verge

In a flurry of 'can do' spirit this morning, I decided to take on the Frenchies at their own game. OK, so I am probably a little too fleshy to properly pass myself off as ze glorious French Maman , plus my hair is far too frizzy, but I can do the whole floaty leetle trapeze dress with witty lace detailing with the best of them. A slicked-back ponytail hides a multitude of bouffy sins. A touch of powder to simulate the non-shiny visage . Have a bit of a tan already so tick on that one. Finish off with one pair of round-toed ballet shoes and I was there, ready to 'zut alors' with the glamorous Gallic hordes at the school gate. Sadly, it failed miserably. Not one French mother gave me an appoving smile or even flicked their dark sultry glance over my outfit. It was as if I was invisible. Which is all very well when I am dressed in my scumbag Rosbif style rags, but not when I've gone to the considerable effort of tricking myself out in the French femme's nat...

I've written about the different species of Dubai mummy before  but the vote is that this endlessly fascinating topic is worth a revisit. Having previously touched on Hummer Mom , the Glamazon and the Dubai Sloane , it's time to examine ze  French Maman: FM will NEVER be seen wearing Birkenstocks or flipflops, her feet are shod in nothing less than ballet pumps or chic leather sandals. She would rather die than wear sweatpants, ratty shorts or a top bursting with cleavage - her understated shift dresses are made of 100% natural fibre (linen or Broiderie Anglaise being the top favorites) with subtle, yet witty, detailing, so well cut that most of us would need a second mortgage to come close to the same effect. FM wouldn't dream of leaving the house without a perfectly blow-dried sleek bob, if her hair colour isn't au naturel we would never be able to guess - Debbie Harry style roots, frizz, s...

Kensington mummies are a strange breed. The first point of note is that the British are in the minority in my neck of the woods, and secondly, working mothers are practically an endangered species. I have still not quite decided if either of these things are positive. Kensington mamas are a varied lot. Where each sub-species of Kensington dad are easily recognisable, the mums like to mix it up a bit so as to confuse onlookers. But there are two things that give them away - their BMI and astoundingly high levels of personal grooming. Kensington mamas can be roughly divided into three main groups; the French mamans, the Italian mamas and the American moms. But for the purpose of today's blog, I will focus on the French maman. The French maman would rather be dead than seen out and about looking fatter than a twig and as for looking scruffy; Mon Dieu! Quelle horreur! There is no excuse for such a lapse. French Mamans are moody 99% of the time, which British men put down to them being ...