It's all about me

I admit it. I'm a vain woman. I have issues. I have neuroses. There are many unfortunate facets to my personality that I am too tired or busy or deluded or too plain lazy to try to fix. Plus, I've lived with them for thirty odd years and kind of got used them. If only Alpha Male could just accept, or even ignore, my less positive traits... it would make life much easier.

Things Alpha Male would like to change about me:

• I have a confused relationship with the concept of time, especially when out shopping
• I obsess about work
• I think I'm right 98% of the time (see below)
• I will only say "I'm sorry" if I believe I was truly in the wrong (see above)
• I am quite selfish
• I hate mornings and dislike any prolonged human interaction until I have had my eyes open for at least 40 minutes
• I have an aversion to vacuuming, loading and unloading the dishwasher, changing bedlinen, cleaning shoes, mopping floors and dusting
• I sleep heavily and often don't hear the kids bellowing in the middle of the night (Alpha thinks I'm faking but I'm not)
• I can't resist a bargain, even if that bargain doesn't quite hold up to intense scrutiny
• I can't remember telephone numbers, not even my own
• I am incapable of taking a quick shower
• I refuse to be loyal to one brand of washing powder and purchase according to my mood (apple blossom 2in1 with fab con when I'm upbeat, unscented non-bio when I'm grizzly)
• I care about looking vaguely fashionable (rather than French, which to me is a little dull mixed with expensive, but to Alpha is the pinnacle to which all women should aspire)
• The car only ever seems to break down when I'm driving it
• I don't like putting my hair up or tying it back because it makes my ears cold (Alpha thinks that it's either to spite him or because I have a complex about my ears like one of his ex-girlfriends)
• I can't read Alpha Male's mind

If I have to live with all this, then so can he.

And may I just point out that however heinous my crimes, not only has Alpha not had to purchase or gift wrap a present for anyone in his family for several years, he has also never run out of clean socks or underpants, has never had to hire or fire a nanny, has never had to arrange a playdate, organise a birthday party, or put away the children's laundry.

See, I'm not all bad.