Things Alpha Male would like to change about me:
- I have a confused relationship with the concept of time, especially when out shopping
- I obsess about work
- I think I'm right 98% of the time (see below)
- I will only say "I'm sorry" if I believe I was truly in the wrong (see above)
- I am quite selfish
- I hate mornings and dislike any prolonged human interaction until I have had my eyes open for at least 40 minutes
- I have an aversion to vacuuming, loading and unloading the dishwasher, changing bedlinen, cleaning shoes, mopping floors and dusting
- I sleep heavily and often don't hear the kids bellowing in the middle of the night (Alpha thinks I'm faking but I'm not)
- I can't resist a bargain, even if that bargain doesn't quite hold up to intense scrutiny
- I can't remember telephone numbers, not even my own
- I am incapable of taking a quick shower
- I refuse to be loyal to one brand of washing powder and purchase according to my mood (apple blossom 2in1 with fab con when I'm upbeat, unscented non-bio when I'm grizzly)
- I care about looking vaguely fashionable (rather than French, which to me is a little dull mixed with expensive, but to Alpha is the pinnacle to which all women should aspire)
- The car only ever seems to break down when I'm driving it
- I don't like putting my hair up or tying it back because it makes my ears cold (Alpha thinks that it's either to spite him or because I have a complex about my ears like one of his ex-girlfriends)
- I can't read Alpha Male's mind
If I have to live with all this, then so can he.
And may I just point out that however heinous my crimes, not only has Alpha not had to purchase or gift wrap a present for anyone in his family for several years, he has also never run out of clean socks or underpants, has never had to hire or fire a nanny, has never had to arrange a playdate, organise a birthday party, or put away the children's laundry.
See, I'm not all bad.