Thursday, March 25, 2010

Mamafia 101, part 2: Fight Fire With Fire

Following on from Tuesday's post:

Mamafia are bitches and so bitchiness is the only thing they understand; the only solution is to out-bitch the bitches. Simple, right? Erm, kind of. The problem is if, like us, you're invariably too slow in shooting back a cutting response. The best retort in the world is inevitably wasted when the recipient is but a tiny speck on the horizon. Leaving you standing there feeling impotent, kicking yourself and cursing your incompetence.

To lessen the chances of this most unsatisfying outcome, MotV has been honing our bitch gene to a fine point while slaving away on a cut-out-and-keep response sheet to amply prepare you for any future Mamafia face-offs. Read on and weep:

Mamafia put-down: "Oh, you are looking well. I so love to see a pregnant woman looking properly pregnant, with real womanly curves and a great big bump. So wonderful and brave that you're not obsessing about your weight and denying yourself little treats through your pregnancy. You are positively blooming!"
Translation: "Good Lord woman. You are enormous. Your fatness makes my mean ol' heart positively rejoice. I think I'll stand next to you for a while to make myself look even more gorgeous and skinny in comparison. Ha ha."
Your response: "You are so sweet to say so. And I've been meaning to ask when you're going to come out with your own news. Been keeping a little secret to yourself, have you? Am I right in thinking that you're doing a bit of blooming yourself, eh? Eh? Eh?" (At this point, nudge her in the ribs, look pointedly at her stomach and wink, all while giving her a knowing smile).

Mamafia put-down: "I hear you've moved into a bigger place in a more desirable area. How lovely for you. Ralph and I looked in that area and it is very nice with such lovely houses but we decided to stay where we are; we're just not the types to throw our money around. But aren't you worried about spending so conspicuously right now, what with the current global recession? I'd hate to think that people might jump to conclusions about what kind of person you are. I mean, I know you're not like that...but..."
Translation: "You effing cow. I'm so jealous I could die."
Your response: "Yes, the house is lovely isn't it? And how sweet of you to be concerned but really, you musn't worry about what people might think of me. In fact I've been meaning to ask you if you're ok - there's a rumour going around that you're having some problems. Is it true? If so, I've got loads of things the kids have grown out of that might fit your two... just let me know if I can help in any way."

Mamafia put-down: "How was your holiday in the Maldives? Great, great... Hmm. Well, we're going camping this year. I think it's so important to teach the children about getting in touch with nature and living the simple life, don't you? Not to mention reducing our carbon footprint by keeping overseas travel to the bare minimum. Yah, we're all about sustainability and environmental responsibility this year."
Translation: "I'm all about faking being smug this year. Not to mention that silly old Ralph hasn't managed to pull in his usual insanely massive annual bonus this year so good bloody job eco-living and domestic camp sites are totally in right now. Farewell hotel luxury, hello pooing in a bucket. Sob."
Your response: "Oh, how brave of you. Last time we went camping Seth was gored by a bull, Rosie ate magic mushrooms and we all got terrible poison ivy on our most tender bits from going to the loo in the bushes. But didn't you know that driving a gas-guzzling 4x4 with four passengers over a distance of 200k  is almost the same as flying long haul? Not to mention that you can offset your carbon footprint by replanting bits of rain forest...."

Mamafia put-down: "You must be so proud of your daughter having won this term's achievement award! Of course, my daughter - she's very sensitive you know - was a bit upset that she didn't win this time but I said to her, 'Darling, you've won so many awards over the years that you simply must step back and let the other kids have a chance!' Not to mention that I don't have any shelf space left in the house for more trophies, ha ha ha!"
Translation: "How the blazes did your hideous excuse for a child beat my amazing offspring? She must have cheated, it's the only explanation. No way could such a gormless simpleton walk away with such a coveted prize otherwise. I'm off to complain to the headmaster."
Your response: "You are so right. I totally agree that it is vitally important for children to learn to be good sports, win or lose. And of course, we parents must lead by example. You really are shining light in this regard...just inspirational."

Enjoy! The school run will never be the same again.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow - this is getting fun! You ought to write the handbook while thinking up Dorothy Parker type ripostes. I think these women are bored to be so bitchy. But they are good literary fodder. Thick too! It just gets better and better...