Saturday, September 13, 2008

So bite me

The Small(er) One is all over biting right now. Told off? She retaliates by chomping her tiny teeth down on whatever bit of flesh is closest. Steal her toy? Chomp. Try to get her dressed in the morning in something she doesn't consider stylish enough? Chomp chomp. Sometimes the teeth are unleashed for no reason other than she's feeling kind of grumpy. The only good news is that she hasn't bitten her teacher. Yet.

Part of me, the grown-up parental part, thinks This Has To Stop. Another little part of me can kind of understand the attraction of sinking your gnashers into the tender flesh of the source of annoyance.

So here's my list of people who deserve a heartfelt bite, given the opportunity and the certainty that I'd get away with it:
  1. The annoying 'supermom' who heads up the PTA at school. She is not only bite-inducingly smug but wears trousers at least two sizes too small for her considerable rear, resulting in a wince-making case of 'hungry bum' syndrome. For God's sake woman, get thee to Marks & Sparks forthwith and purchase a nice pair of stretchy trousers. And stop looking so darned pleased with yourself
  2. The mothers who swank about the school gates in cream clam-diggers teamed with crisp starched shirt, loafers, 'jaunty' Boden rain mac and flicky hair. You know who you are
  3. The ex-boss who tried to fire me after I slapped his sweaty hand away from my rear
  4. The ex-boyfriend who dumped me by Post-It note (on my fridge)
  5. A double bite for Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling for getting us Brits all excited about a freeze on Stamp Duty, then announcing that the threshold was being raised to the equivalent of a gnat's fart and of benefit only to those who live in places like the Outer Hebrides
  6. Anyone who works at PC World, for the Tiscali customer 'service' centre and in the Peter Jones school uniform department
  7. Johnny Depp. Just for the thrill of it

I think the Small(er) One may be on to something. I'm feeling better already.


Jill said...

Could I add my Father in law to this list pretty please?

YLM said...

Jill, but of course. Doesn't that go without saying? (although I am actually quite fond of mine, when he's behaving himself).