Kensington Gardens was awash with excitement this afternoon as word spread amongst the flicky-haired yummy mummy coven that a Celebrity Couple had been sighted. You'd have thought that it would barely merit an eye-twitch, used as we are to regular glipses of c'lebs; you can hardly walk down the road in Kensington these days without spotting the likes of Elle MacPherson peddling around on her bicycle or Michael Winner trotting from one restaurant to another.
But this was different.
This was a Proper Celebrity Couple pretending to be civilians - y'know, walking around with minimal pouting and posing, looking happy with their kid - and all without a bodyguard in sight. There they were, Paul Bettany and Jennifer Connolly, shamlessly mingling with the hoi polloi by the swings while an entire tribe of yummy mummies sucked in their stomachs.
A few mummies shamlessly scrabbled for their Lancome Juicy Tubes whilst fluffing up their flicks. The palpable tang of hormones-in-overdrive pervaded the air. A couple of daytrippers started to pull out their mobiles for a sneaky snap. Then, just as we thought we couldn't bear it any longer, the beautiful pair packed up their junk and walked out of the playground gates, arms entwined and kid in tow, back to their beautiful tinted-window Celebrity lives. Fifty or so Kensington residents exhaled en-masse and suddenly felt depressed.
Except for Alpha, who loudly proclaimed: "That Jennifer bird's a bit of all right, isn't she? No tits though. But what the hell are they doing, making their kid wear a pork pie hat? Poor little bugger looked like Pete Doherty!"
Isn't it sweet Alpha has managed to remain imprevious to the lure of celebrity? I truly believe he would rather read one of Lord Denning's lengthy tomes than flick through Heat. Astonishing, isn't it?