Saturday, April 07, 2007

Rage

Do you ever wake up feeling totally, utterly angry? And for no good reason?

Thankfully for me this state of being is fairly rare. I'm a grumpy a lot of the time, yes, and often cross. But not usually quite as enraged as I have been feeling recently.

Maybe it's working 50/60-hour weeks for the past month while still trying to manage the school or nursery run and some semblance of a home life (which means I get home on time but then have to work remotely until midnight). Maybe it's the fact that every weekend for the past month there have been a round of kids parties, family and friends to see, house stuff to do, mountains of ironing, children to entertain, husbands to soothe... and however hard I try, all I really want to do is stay in bed for the entire 48-hours, which means I am in slow motion and make nobody happy due to my exhausted dullness.

Maybe it's the fact that I am mad at myself, because working this hard while trying to keep a house and be a mother and a wife means that I do nothing very well. I forget all the other things that you can luxuriate in when you have enough time to do so - such as people's birthdays, school bake sales, sewing on missing buttons, children's reading homework, writing letters to family abroad, paying bills, and doing anything to the house beyond basic maintenance.

The end result is that I am an utterly lousy mother, wife, daughter, friend, aunt, daughter-in-law, grandchild, niece, neighbour....not to mention blogger (yes, apologies, apologies, and even greater apologies for me constantly going AWOL without a moment's notice). I am rubbish. And this makes me feel even worse. I'm not entirely sure how I can sustain this pace, even if it isn't ticking all the boxes, and the ever-fashionable ' downsizing' is not an option - how can it be when there's a mortgage to pay, credit card bills to make a dent in, food to buy and the nanny and nursery bills to cover, not to mention all the other million things that are not only necessary but bring some kind of small pleasure to living day to day?

The only small comfort is that I am a great employee, and while I would dearly love to swap my focus from work to home, I know full well that if I did I wouldn't remain employed for long.

Anybody got a low-stress nine-to-five PR job they're recruiting for? Does such a thing even exist? All offers considered...

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yes. You are normal. It gets better.

YLM said...

Thanks anon. Music to my ears.