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Warning: Having A Baby Can Change Your Relationship

Before I had Firstborn, I had dumb notions fixed in my (admittedly pregnancy-impaired) brain.

NOTION 1: Alpha Male and I, leaning over the side of the cot, gazing upon our pink and chubby baby, sunlight streaming through the window bathing everything with a magical glow. Alpha Male looks at me, smiles tenderly, and says, "Thank you darling. Thank you for making my life complete."

THE REALITY: Alpha Male and I standing on opposite sides of the room, our ears vibrating from the noise emenating from our Munch-mouthed red-faced baby. The streetlamps outside cast a urine-yellow glow. Alpha Male glares at me, hollow-eyed, and says, "I have to get some sleep! Can't you f*cking well do something?"

NOTION 2: Alpha Male and I, our relationship taken to a new and glorious level by the merging of our genes, go out for a romantic dinner while a family member babysits. We have a wonderful evening, flirt madly with each other, then walk home hand-in-hand feeling satisfied that even though we are now parents we can still find the time to be lovers too.

THE REALITY: Alpha Male forgets to book the restaurant and we end up at Bella Pasta. Alpha Male flirts with the Swedish waitress and then launches into a long story about a Swedish girl he dated, ending with the never-to-be-forgotten phrase "Swedish girls are up for anything. They're brilliant." A long period of silence is broken by Alpha Male saying, "What's up with you? You're so moody these days." Then my right breast starts leaking milk and we have to go home.

NOTION 3: Alpha Male and I on holiday, strolling down an exotic beach, tanned and gorgeous, our gurgling baby clasped to Alpha Male's manly chest.

THE REALITY: Alpha Male signs up for water-skiiing, windsurfing, sailing and diving on the first day, in addition to insisting on his daily run. I spend the holiday sitting in the shade trying to sooth a crotchety baby suffering from heat rash, thinking evil thoughts and trying to avoid looking at my ghost-white thighs.

Upon reflection, it's probably a good thing that nobody warns you in advance about how much a baby changes your relationship. If they did, who'd do it?

And that would be a shame, because whatever the changes it brings to you, your life and your relationship, there is nothing better than waking up to a wet toddler kiss and a heartfelt "I love you, Mummy".

Comments

Maggiewinters said…
I love this one, really! I think I am going to show this one to my husband who lives far away across the pacific ocean.

This is Maggie from Taiwan moving to Canada soon.
Anonymous said…
It could be worse. Alpha Male could have decided he wasn't ready to be a father after all, leaving you completely alone with crotchety baby!
Glad you like it Maggie. Good luck with your move.

Anon - very true. That's what I tell my friend who's husband won't lift a finger when it comes to their children - after all, he works really hard all day long at the office, and she gets to sit at home and watch Trisha all day. We women should really count our lucky stars, hey?
Alpha Male needs a reality check.

One of my good friends' husbands wanted a baby so badly that she had three miscarriages before finally having their son. Six months later, he got himself a girlfriend and now is divorcing her. Men. Ack.
Yikes, Lucinda, sounds a bit like (blogmate) Kim's brother and her sister-in-law.
As for Alpha Male! Exchange "windsurfing, sailing" etc for "napping and extensive daily visits to bathroom for reading" and you have my lovely Prof.
Do you ever, in dark moments, think that you actually prefer the absolutely adoring "I love you mummy" to the adult version?
Mindy said…
OMG the FLASHBACKS. I actually heard the words, "What is so wrong with taking the baby to the beach? It's been two weeks already." Yeah, after a C-section, Einstein.
Lucinda - what a complete and utter tw*t. How is she coping?

Bec, in answer to your question, unfortunately - yes.

Mindy - LOL.

I'm compiling a few "what the ... did he just say?" stories and will post them soon... check back over the next couple of days.
AFSister said…
AMEN! OMG... I think I just found a sister...
WDKY said…
This all seems quite reasonable to me. You were deluded, that's all.

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