I am not naturally tidy and I am not naturally organized, but I have devised numerous strategies over the years to keep a lid on the ever-bubbling chaos and I work damned hard at it. An attractive environment is incredibly important to me and I like to know where things are - anything else is annoying and wastes time at crucial moments (usually when I'm just about to leave the house - I also hate to be late...anal, moi? Maybe a little.) Hence my rage this morning.
Here is my new domestic manifesto:
- anything left on the floor for more than two days, unless it's an item meant to be on the floor like a rug, will be promptly filed in the trash with minimal remorse on my part.
- ditto piles of random crap 'tidied' away in drawers, in vases, on kitchen counters and shelves. If it's important then put it somewhere where I can't see it.
- my clothes do not belong in the dressing up box and if I EVER find my favorite pair of heels in the garden again there will be a severe price to pay.
- an empty cardboard tube where a loo roll is meant to be is a personal affront. Reach into the cupboard and replace it before you leave the bathroom.
- my make-up is not meant for arts and crafts projects, whatever the circumstances.
- shoes do NOT belong on the stairs or in the middle of the hallway. I recently purchased ingenious contraptions designed for the storage of shoes, use them.
- sadly, I am not the oracle nor can I see through walls. Whilst I am flattered that you consider me to have superhuman powers, if you've lost your homework/ school bag/ shoes/ capacity for cognitive thought then I suggest you stop shouting, open your eyes and go look for the missing item without having a total pixie about it.
- if you forget to tell me about a birthday party or other important event in your social calendar, how the heck am I expected to know about it? Again, I am unfortunately lacking in superhuman powers, although have always thought the possession of psychic abilities would make being a mother much easier.
- you are nine and seven years old. No bloody way are you getting an iPhone any time this decade. And I don't believe that 'everyone' in your class has one. Nor do I care.
- I am not trying to poison you at meal times. Nor am I trying to make your life miserable. I don't give you chicken nuggets because I know what goes into them, pizza is not meant for every night and my lovingly crafted home-made soup is not responsible for all the evil in the world. Nor do I care if so-and-so's mother lets her eat sweets for breakfast. Sucks to be you.
Phew! That's better. Thanks for listening to me vent. :-)