Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Californian Stereotypes: The Central Valley 'Bro'

The Central Valley 'Bro' is a peacock-like creature who's natural habitat is the fertile plains and endless strip malls of Central California.

The Bro's testosterone-loaded gait is what makes him so distinctive; he walks as if carrying a heavy load within his Jockeys at all times, his steroid-pumped arms swinging low and displayed to good effect in an Ed Hardy sleeveless tank. The Bro's jeans are usually as tight on his rear as feasibly possible - all the better to show off his... erm... heavy load.

Accessories are a key part of the Bro look; the Bro who bears the bling is a Bro to be reckoned with, the bigger the diamond ear-studs the bigger the respect, y'all. And with the ubiquitous baseball cap perched on top of his cropped head and his feet shod in the latest, most desirable sneakers (i.e. whatever costs the most $$$), the Bro is ready to go.

Not being of the most erudite of dispositions, the Bro isn't much of a talker; he prefers to pepper whatever conversation he stumbles into with multiple exclamations of 'Wassup?' or, if he's feeling especially lazy, a simple "'Sup?" does the job just as well. The delivery is more important than the uttering and pretenders to Bro-ness are easily caught out through their lack of 'Bro stance' - essentially a fluid shoulder roll accompanied by a somewhat over-dramatic backwards jerk of the head. The more seasoned Bro manages to maintain an impressive poker face at all times, whatever the circumstance.

The casual observer may be shocked when witnessing the standard greeting ritual of the Bro, in particular  the Bro Chest Bump - an action disturbingly similar to the kind of maneuver more commonly seen enacted by gorillas at the onset of a territorial dispute. A number of Bro sub-cultures also have their own unique handshake, often involving a complicated sequence of fist-pumping mixed in with a few old-school hi and lo-fives. Very creative Bros may even incorporate a few basic gangsta-rap-style moves into the mix.

But what really marks your average Bro out from his fellow homo sapiens is the love and devotion he showers on his 'ride'. The Bro's favorite place in the world is behind the wheel of his super-truck with his 'Bro-Ho' (blonde, stacked, appreciative) at his side, the stereo pumpin' alternative rock anthems (perhaps even a touch of white-boy-homey radio rap when a Bro is feeling especially feisty) and with, of course, his fellow Bros in convoy.

The very soul of the Bro is tied up in his truck. He dreams of custom trims and metallic paint-jobs with bitchin' decals as he cruises up and down the freeway, his pecs puffed with righteous pride. Sometimes he simmers with subdued envy while pondering his favored tale from Bro legend, of a particularly revered and sick Bro who once fitted out his truck with a train horn, a 16-inch lift and a Mach Force XP exhaust... Like, totally clutch, bro.

Bro-isms for Beginners
- To 'Square Up': the expected response when one offends a Bro, basically an invitation to air one's differences with a bout of fisticuffs
- 'Clutch': used to describe a memorable event or desirable object, as in: "Bro, the lift on that Chevy was totally clutch!"
- 'Sick': the term used to describe something that is really, really fabulous, as in: "Bro, your 'lobe bling is like, sick as f*ck."
- 'Juiced': to partake in physical exercise, as in: "Bro, let's go lift some heavies at the gym and get majorly juiced."
- A 'Bro-Ho': the term used for a female who enjoys relations with a Bro/ multiple Bros
- 'DGAF': acronym for "Don't give a f*ck'
- 'DILLIGAF': acronym for "Do I look like I give a f*ck?"
- 'To flip a beezie': to execute a u-turn in the road
- 'Bro-licious', 'Bro-tastic', 'Bro-lliant': bastardisations of the Queen's English, used to describe positive events and experiences (OK, maybe I made this one up)

Wannabe Bro spots a clutch ride


Anonymous said...

Yeah, good! Best in many moons.

Do they say "shmicks"? That is the word verification token given below so that I could submit this comment. You don't think, God moving in such mysterious ways, that this is a Sign?

expatmammy said...


Kate S. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.