Saturday, January 23, 2010

YLM declares war on ze Frenchies

OK. I've had enough. I am declaring war on all ze Frenchies. Not just the gaggle of Frenchies in Dubai. But every Frenchie in the world that I might come across one day in the near or distant future. And I will be especially merciless towards French women.

Why, you ask? What could these charming, affable, wine-quaffing cultured creatures possibly have done to offend me so?

Well, first off they may be wine-quaffing, and charming when they wish to be (a bit like cats are cute and cuddly when they want something), but after having had the misfortune to attend a distress sale this morning with about 50 Frenchies, I am yet to be convinced that they possess any other redeeming qualities. My Britishness was a bit of a problem when faced with a gang of Frenchwomen salivating over the prospect of cut-price hand-embroidered French linens.

Here are my complaints:
  • Gratuitous rudeness: ze French have no concept of what it means to queue, hence their shameless pushing to the front without regard for the health or wellbeing of others. French women also like to stare at other women with a hostile expression on their perfectly made-up faces, saving their best sneers for women fatter than themselves (usually 95% of the rest of the world's female population): btw - being pregnant is no excuse in Le Monde of Frenchie-ness for having even an ounce of body fat.
  • Sadistic tendencies: Frenchies do not have any consideration for women less mean than themselves, especially those who don't enjoy inflicting bodily pain on other women when in pursuit of folksy carved heart-shaped stuff - frankly these gentle creatures are just weird and totally wussy and deserve anything dished out to them. And apparently sticking a pointy elbow in a pregnant tummy is perfectly acceptable if it's between their grasping hand and a rustic wooden boxy thing.
  • Selective deafness: Frenchies are strangely unable to hear anything said to them in the English language yet are magically cured when a command to stop blocking the exit route is barked at them in French. Eet ees a miracle, non?
  • Racism and sexism: French women are only ever nice to other French women (possibly extended to other French-speaking women, depending on their individual level of charity) unless they find a non-Frenchie socially acceptable in other ways (i.e. insanely rich, impeccable pedigree, famous). French women are also really nice to men, preferably hot men, which is why Alpha has limited understanding/ tolerance of my Frenchie aversion; in Alpha's eyes French women are paragons of femininity, which is entirely due to the fact that they flirt with him shamelessly (giving me the evil eye when he's not looking), causing him to wax on about how slim they are despite having had four tidy and well-behaved children, and how I could take a few lessons from Celeste/ Marie- Louise/ GeeGee about how to look so stylish (this is because Alpha has little comprehension that French women's clothes are not sourced from the local branch of H&M but from a hugely expensive Secret French Boutique - if he understood that he would need to make considerable financial sacrifices for me to dress in linen shift dresses, silk-mix capri pants and such like then he might shut up about it). 
OK. Vent over. I'm off to murder a nice buttery croissant and to revel in my obscene pregnant fatness.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

The French ladies are very good at their own PR and even believe it themselves. But where does this weird fascination with French 'beauty' come from if not from hard nosed self-interested PR? Look around you on a French rue and you will see MacBurgers everywhere and now sticking to the young French backside. The older ladies might still aim for slimstickery but they have awful skin. French 'beauty' on the whole is a French 'con'.

maverick00010 said...

Nice, keep posting such stuff in the future as well.