I have discovered a speedy route to Heaven. No, I haven't been in secret conference with The Man Upstairs. Quite simply, I have found the best bribe ever.
Picture this. I am at home on Friday morning, trying to work while all hell is breaking loose around me. The Small(er) One is bellowing for me to take her for a wee while Firstborn is literally hanging off my leg in despair because she can't find her pink Dora The Explorer knickers. The phone is ringing and I can't find it. Some fool buzzes the intercom repeatedly, refusing to accept that I am not his mate Ahmed. Then Alpha Male calls to ask exactly why I spent £75 at Boots earlier that week and do I not realise the critical state of our overdraft?
Just as I am about to break into a million mental mommy pieces, screaming that I can not bear another second of this level of harassment from both family and non-family members before locking myself in the bathroom for an extended period of sulking, I remember that I have my very own personal Abracadabra moment sitting in the kitchen cupboard. The best bribe ever is about to buy me up to an hour of much-needed peace and quiet.
I recently discovered something wonderful called the Natural Confectionery Company, apparently all the rage in Oz and just arrived on our shores, which produces jelly sweets not stuffed full of evil additives (the ingredients list totally rocks... guilt-dissipating words like 'natural fruit juices' get me every time). So far the junior Yummies rate the Jelly Snakes - realistically snake-like, pleasingly wobbly yet just-firm-enough in texture - perfect. I am currently buying in bulk in case of emergency as, in addition to helping to avert my own psychological traumas, they work well for all medical situations, seemingly having the power to erase the torment of bumped knees, stubbed toes etc in record time.
Share the joy - get thee down to Woolworth's and buy yourself swathes of golden silence for a mere £1.39. My only complaint is that I haven't found them anywhere else yet and my local Woolie's isn't all that convenient.
Oh yes, these darling little snakey things are also loved by Alpha Male and seem to have the same muting effect. Which, frankly, makes them absolutely bloody priceless.