Ten major problems with the Cornish countryside in Autumn:
1. Trees and fields are all very well, but after a few days the thrill most certainly wears off. Especially when there's nothing else to do and you're limited to admiring nature from indoors, because...
2. It rains. All the bloody time.
3. The food around these parts is terrible. Wall to wall Tesco and not a Waitrose for 20 miles, let alone shops selling local produce. It's easier to get hold of a proper muddy carrot in central London than it is in the countryside when you're surrounded by fields jammed full of vegetables.
4. Dining options are limited to the Cornish pasty shop, the fish and chip shop, the Chicken Lickin' takeaway, and a pub filled with grumpy old bastards. All the food is beige (except for the mushy peas at the chippie).
5. The locals are most definitely not friendly.
6. The best clothes shop in town is crowded with oldies stocking up on nylon knickers and support hose.
7. The local swimming pool is packed with teenage mothers.
8. The local bus stop is packed with soon-to-be teenage mothers snogging their spotty knights in shining Nikes.
9. Local tradition has it that on Friday and Saturday nights young men must down ten pints at their local pub before converging on the streets to kick the sh*t out of each other.
10. The liveliest place in town is the newsagent immediately after the announcement of a lottery rollover week.
I miss London.
If Alpha Male suggests that we move to the country ever again, as he is wont to do after a few glasses of wine and a lengthy session of online brick-kicking, I can't be held responsible for the mayhem that will surely follow.