Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Is This All There Is?

I willingly went back to freelancing after the rabbit hit 10 months old -- happier, truthfully with a freelancing lifestyle, and thrilled to be able to spend the extra time with her.

And while thankfully the work has stayed steady, everytime I try to push the envelope a bit -- knock on a new door, take a risk or two, I honestly feel fate's little head shaking her head saying, "No no no, this is not for you" and smacking my hand away.

Now I know that everyone has their ups and downs -- but somehow the stay-at-home mama thing adds a whiff to this of two-day old fish. And I can't help but wonder if there is a perception of desperation clinging to me -- at least seen by others -- because they see me in that light: home, filling lunchboxes, writing during the hours afforded to me by nursery school and weekend nights.

I guess what I am realizing is that I am hungry for a little bite of personal success. Don't get me wrong, I know I am extremely lucky. (Really.) Everyone's healthy, I AM working.... But it sure would be nice to see an occasional wink and nod from fate, you know, a little pat on the back, a chuff on the chin, a 'hey kid, don't let the suckers get you down.' Some sign.

And no, two-fers at the grocery yesterday on Entenmann's cookies does not count.

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