Hey you! You in the fancy sports car! You with the receeding hairline and the gently rounded belly not quite contained by your YSL shirt. You who will never see 40 again. You with the smug little face and the jaunty strut. Yeah, that's right. I'm talking to you.
See that sign above the bay into which you've just maneuvered your sky-blue Porsche? Look at it carefully. That sign depicting a parent and child is there for a reason - it means that particular parking bay is reserved for parents insane enough to bring their child(ren) to the supermarket. And no, your girlfriend does not count as a child. Although in this case, only just.
Do you not understand that when you steal my parking space - yes, MY parking space - by cutting me up back at the junction there, you condemn me to parking in the car park equivalent of Siberia? Which means I have to lug two fractious pre-schoolers and a trolley full of food into a lift that smells of wee, walk across the lot in the rain and thereby add twenty additional precious minutes to my shopping hell?
And when I politely point out to you that you have parked in a parent and child bay, do you realise that by shrugging at me and saying, "Yes well, I'm not feeling remotely guilty today," you are treading on very dangerous ground. My response of, "Well, I guess you having to go through life as an utter wanker is punishment enough. Have a nice life, arsehole" was really rather restrained considering the extent of the provocation.
I hereby announce the start of a campaign to name and shame all perpetrators of this kind of crime. Fellow mothers and fathers - when this next happens to you, whip out your mobile and take a photo of the offender, then email us the evidence along with all relevant details including license plate numbers. We will joyfully post this on our blog in the brand new Mothers On The Verge's 'Rogue's Gallery'.
Please feel free to use the template below:
When: Saturday 6th May 2006 at 11am
Where: Sainsbury's, Cromwell Road, London SW7
Details: Parent and child bay under covered area, just outside main entrance
Description of the villian: White male, approx 5ft 8ins, short dark hair (balding), dark bushy eyebrows, rounded physique (pie consumption and gym visits out of sync), wearing blue jeans (possibly Armani) and pale coloured YSL shirt. Young very blonde and very tanned girlfriend in tow. Unfortunate facial expression. Driving a new-looking pale blue Porsche 911.
Description of the crime: See above.