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10 things my children have done in the past month to drive me crazy

1. Drew on my newly upholstered cream armchair in blue biro
2. Smeared a purloined pot of Vaseline on the sofa
3. Got into the cupboard, emptied the Cornflakes onto the floor and then paddled in them
4. 'Weeded' the garden (i.e. pulled all the flowers out and left the weeds)
5. Told the man in the Corner Shop that he has "funny pointy teeth" (he has, it's true, but still...)
6. Had a tantrum in Woolworth's when I refused to buy Fairy Princess Barbie
7. Hid Fairy Princess Barbie in the bottom of the pushchair when I wasn't looking, which resulted in an unpleasant incident with the shop security guard
8. Painted toenails, fingernails, legs, hands and my white duvet cover with Maybelline Lilac Lightening nail polish - ever tried to get nail polish off soft-soft toddler skin without ending up in casualty? No, me neither
9. Hosted a mud party in the garden with the next-door neighbour's children as guests of honour; my patio looked like a re-enactment of the Battle Of The Somme
10. Posted my credit cards and driving license through the gaps in the sitting-room floorboards

And these are just the highlights. Is it any surprise that I am seriously considering therapy? Who cares if it works or not? At least I'll get 50 minutes of blissful peace and quiet once a week...


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