Ten things all wannabe parents should consider before taking the plunge: 1. Babies scream, children shout and teenagers refuse to talk at all. All of these stages will make you grit your teeth and long for a lengthy refuge in a dark room. 2. All mealtimes will resemble the Battle of the Somme: messy, lengthy, often futile and generally chaotic. Success will only ever be achieved via the application of careful strategy, detailed planning, exhaustive bombardment and dogged determination. 3. Even the simplest task, such as leaving the house, will take a minimum of twenty minutes (on a good day) when a small child is involved. 4. Give up on being houseproud if you want to stay sane. The following are unavoidable: grimy handprints on the sofa and crumbs under the cushions, felt-tip scribbles on the walls, a trail of toys wherever the child chooses to roam, DVDs posted in the trash and stickers stuck on every available surface (including your bum). 5. Embrace insomnia - it's the only way...
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