mothers on the verge

1. Contraception would suddenly become 100% effective 2. The attention of all (male) scientists would shift from silly little diseases like H1N1 and HIV to more urgent matters, such as eradicating morning sickness, backache, swollen nipples and even more inconvenient nasties such as childbirth. Babies would be born by painlessly popping out of the male bellybutton within two minutes. Or even better, by being found under a gooseberry bush or delivered by a passing friendly stork 3. Until this happy day of scientific breakthrough arrives, men would retire to a special birthing chamber - upon confirmation of pregnancy until they are ready to give birth - to 'bravely' suffer though their ordeal with only the most basic of comforts: a Playstation, 50in plasma screen, mini-fridge full of alcohol-free lager and pizza delivery on speed-dial 4. Birthing classes such as the NCT and any birthing guru-type who demonstrates childbirt...

It's a strange thing, the secret passion grown women have for geeks. Do geeks bring out our maternal sides? Or is it that as we get older we start to realise that the qualities we valued so highly in men during our teens (muscles, stubble, sporting prowess, ability to drink multiple kegs of ale without passing out, own car) aren't that important after all? After all, hard abs + attitude doesn't necessarily = true luv 4 ever, does it? It takes so much more. The thing about nerdy chaps is that they learn humility at an early age; years of having sandcastles kicked over and their heads flushed down the school bogs by larger, meaner boys tends to have that effect. Humility, when applied to relationships, goes a long, long way. Geeks also have a lot to prove, having repeatedly lost the popularity contest at school and suffered through years of sexual frustration as a result; this makes them much more likely to succeed professionally as adults. And women, when they s...

The Small(er) One is all over biting right now. Told off? She retaliates by chomping her tiny teeth down on whatever bit of flesh is closest. Steal her toy? Chomp. Try to get her dressed in the morning in something she doesn't consider stylish enough? Chomp chomp. Sometimes the teeth are unleashed for no reason other than she's feeling kind of grumpy. The only good news is that she hasn't bitten her teacher. Yet. Part of me, the grown-up parental part, thinks This Has To Stop. Another little part of me can kind of understand the attraction of sinking your gnashers into the tender flesh of the source of annoyance. So here's my list of people who deserve a heartfelt bite, given the opportunity and the certainty that I'd get away with it: The annoying 'supermom' who heads up the PTA at school. She is not only bite-inducingly smug but wears trousers at least two sizes too small for her considerable rear, resulting in a wince-making case of 'hungry bum' s...