mothers on the verge

Why does having a kid make me feel like I'm back in high school again?

One of the absolute essentials for all mothers to get down with - and something they NEVER tell you in all those blah-blah happyland baby manual books - is how to deal with the Mamafia, aka (s)mothers. Now, new mothers may lull themselves into a false sense of security by thinking they have a few more years to go before they have to do deal with the school gate crowd. But I have news for you , girlfriend. The Mamafia is everywhere; where mamas gather, the Mamafia lurks. Sure they're at the school gates - but they're also at Baby Rhyme Time, at local library story sessions, at Happy Clappers Teenies Music Mayhem, stretching out at Baby Yoga, in your baby doctor's waiting room... they might even be in disguise as One Of Your Friends . Yup, now you're a mama you just can't get away from them. But how to recognise a fully fledged Mamafia member? Here's a simple checklist: All Mamafia moms display Alpha characteristics. This makes ...

Okay here's my thought: I know I'm supposed to kill my detractors with kindness. Not a bad plan. And for months I've been doing just that in my little village. Smiling at the, well yes, any and all (s)mothers who maybe had a little jab here and a bit of a snark there. Somehow I remembered my high school days, tilted up my chin and beamed a smile at every one of their heads. And it works. Give a smile. Get a smile. But you know what? It's frankly exhausting. Sometimes, Mama just wants to pull a baseball cap over her head and furrow her way through the day. Sometimes, I don't want to beam butterflies and posies. Sometimes I just want to beam: "Mama hasn't had enough caffeine today. So stand back. The smiling factory is closed."

I live in a concrete box -- a 20-story vulgarity that houses room after room of squat, flat apartments that seem to attract owners who want nothing more than to try and change them. (Stop.) Since The Prince and I bought our place in 2004, four apartments have done construction all within a 20-foot perimeter of me. Four. And we're not talking paint jobs. We're talking vile, gut renovations that send me over the edge. Drills that actually make the damn chair under me vibrate. And these have lasted about...oh.... 18 months of the 48 months I have lived here. One-third of my time. Now mix that into the fact that I work from home. I INTERVIEW people, I WRITE stories. All while trying to ignore the fact that basically, I am living in a CONSTRUCTION ZONE. While I am not sure about a spot in Dante's hell for (s)mothers. I know with all my fiber there is one for the inventor of the hammer drill.

I am completely caught up in two cable shows right now: HBO's John Adams and Showtime's The Tudors . An American/England match-up, well played, I think, for our happy little blog. Both are fantastic in very different ways. Given the repulsive rabid nature of our current election, the John Adams series is at least reminding me why I actually do feel proud to call this country home. (Yes, I know these are actors.) And then The Tudors is like a twinkie you just know you shouldn't eat. All Harlequin romance and revenge. Mmm! Fun! My favorite part of The Tudors was a little preview for this week's episode: plotters against Anne Boleyn. In the show she seems pretty damn wicked. (While in reality, I feel slightly bad for her -- she was BEHEADED after all. For BORING HER HUSBAND.) But to speak against her meant sure suicide to her detractors. So they remind themselves to sit and wait. For a moment ripe where the mood against her shifts. I loved this. Reminded me how to deal wi...

That's all I want to know.

YLM and I agree - becoming a mama can bring out the best in you, and the very worst. But neither of us were at all prepared for the horror that are the (s)mothers. Sure my own mama warned me. Told me to avoid the PTA like an e-coli infested melon cup. But did I listen? For me, if it's not personally experienced, it's not real. So after five years of experiencing (s)mothers, I have gleaned a few things that I feel compelled, much like a vaccine for yeast infections, to pass along to my fellow Mamas: How you too can pass through a pack of wild (s)mothers and not ever be detected. 1. Pack your child a homemade lunch. Preferably one that is organic, free-range, hormone-free and put into an environmentally appropriate container — perhaps a paper bag you have made by yourself by pulping newspapers and drying it in the sun. 2. Sign up for every damn field trip, PTA function, bake sale and fund raiser. Then complain — lightly — when asked how you do it all. Shrug, and take a sip of y...

Recently, I've been cryptic of the things in our lives that have been causing problems in our household. No more details but I will say they basically manage to cover all the bases of normal life stresses: work concerns, lawyers who steal money from you, best friends of 15 years who drop you because you don't want to discuss politics, and your children. Very normal stuff. But lately I have found that instead of wanting to rant about these things, I have become a bit of a recluse. Clammed up. Shied away from most contact other than that forced upon me, like when picking up The Rabbit, smiling at The (S)mothers and trying very hard not to make eye contact so as to not have to engage even in that normal banter: "How ya doing!" I guess I know I should just smile and say, "Great." But it's so that I'm afraid if I open my mouth, swarms of flies and bees will erupt out and cause perfectly normal G-d fearing folk to back away in stunned repulsion. And so I...

Now Honest to Goodness, living breathing Manhattan (S)Mothers will be viewable in YOUR OWN PERSONAL LIVING ROOM! This press release flew right into someone's e-mail box just moments ago and I had share with my fellow Mamas. When it goes live, I'll try and give readers a heads up so we can watch the TRAIN WRECK as it HAPPENS!!!! (I swear, I did not make this up, though, hell, I wish I had): BRAVO STARTS PRODUCTION ON NEW DOCU-DRAMA "MANHATTAN MOMS" NEW YORK - September 20, 2007 - Bravo announced the start of production on its new docu-drama "Manhattan Moms" (working title), a series following an eclectic group of Gotham socialites and their families. From their over-scheduled Manhattan lives of private schools, charity events and running businesses, to escaping to their summer homes in the Hamptons, the series will take a look at this particular cultural milieu and the real-life drama of Manhattan's exclusive society. The announcement was made by France...